The holidays have come and gone. Little turkeys morphed into tiny Christmas trees and busy shoppers… along with it an opportunity to work. What I didn’t know then was that a one month gig would quickly turn into to two going on three. That’s right. My prayer was answered for a job. I work nonstop. Forced to quit my job at the elementary school, I spend almost EVERY DAY in the belly of the materialistic beast. A mermaid among sharks. My dreams are full of little girl fantasies… of being free. Of leaving this sea of day-to-day for the unknown. I’m no longer drowning, I’m breathing the sea. I feel it’s salty grit scrap the inside of my lungs and flow out the way it wormed in. The option of going to New Zealand left what feels like many moons ago. I fight the currents now. Trying to not let my murky surroundings morph me into what I swore I would never be… the woman before. The one that died in green rolling hills, she was born on an island, and grew up among trains. My exaustion manifests in delirium. I can’t go back, so I must go forward… and yet, I continue to push toward more dark waters and purposeless endeavors. With leaking scrapes and sand caked under my fingernails, I try to claw towards something meaningful. I know my purpose. I know who I belong to. Why must these waves delay what my heart and soul yearn to do? I’ve tasted. I’ve seen.
Do I still believe that He is good?
Seaweed slither by tauntingly… where do you find your strength, Little Mermaid? who gives you the grace to breath the sea? who made your tail? who gives you legs? will you, like the passing waves, crave the sea once it’s gone?… Yesterday, I pushed the offending greenery away. But today, I dance among the leaves. It hurts. I don’t understand. Sleep seems like the only escape. But here, twirling, spinning, and giggling in a mass of bubbles I choose to dance in the light of the sun.
Like a dear friend reminded me… I was MADE FOR THIS.
13 If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 2 Corinthians 5:13
His Missionary in Training 